Realizations

I have trust issues. This is a known issue that I have fully acknowledged. I have even analyzed where they stem from, though that is several sources. It is primarily the low self-esteem issue, I think.

I have been rejected over and over again by everyone it seems. I was never good enough to please those around me--they always wanted me to be more or different from what I am/was. I can't be anything except what I am. I know this. Do I wish I was different? Yes, because it seems so nice to be wanted. If I wasn't empathic--a freak--perhaps people would make sense to me. If I was more consistent in my mood--not bipolar--perhaps more people would want to be my friend. If I didn't prefer books and writing--a writer-- to movies/television, perhaps I would have more to talk to with people.

But then I wouldn't be me. I am an empath. I am a bipolar. I am a writer. I can't change these things, even if people reject me because of them. 

I can shut down my empathy, but that would be like deciding to never smell anything ever again, and would work about the same amount. It's one of my senses, and it is instinct to try to use it to navigate the world. 

I am bipolar. Even on medication, I still cycle through my moods. I try not to let the mood swings affect my life too much--just feeling like I hate my job and should quit isn't enough for me to actually do that, because no matter how good that would feel, I know that is not how things work, really. 

I am a writer. I will always look at things and start a story in my head about it. I have tried to quit in the past--"grow up already! Live in reality already!"--but all it did was make the narrating voice grow so loud that I couldn't think any more around it.

I am these things. If you take everything else away, this is what I would be left with. Not as impressive as Tony's list, I'm sure, but we can't all be Anthony Stark.

I have a paradigm that might be the issue. I believe that all relationships (platonic, romantic, familial) are entered into for the benefits that they give the people in it. People stay because the relationship is useful, as are the people in it to each other. As I explained to Alex (or did he explain it to me? It was a conversation with him that I figured out how this connects to my trust issues. That's the important part.), I place my value to others in what I can do for them. I was the breadwinner. I was the planner. I was the scheduler, and the organizer. I could multitask and juggle and make do.

Then my mental health started to decline, and I realized that if I didn't get my bipolar under control, I would reach a point when I would have to be hospitalized for others to do so for me. And the meds just added stress, in the form of financial burden and time--and my physical health started to decline with the weight that was added as a side effect. There were blackouts and memory lapses.

The blackouts scared me--working fine and then my vision goes dark and my body stops responding to my orders. I still hear, but I can't snap out of it. Apparently, this looks like I'm sleeping while sitting up, but inside I'm really panicking because it is like the ultimate trap, isn't it? If someone tied you up, at least you could struggle. If someone gagged you, you could still make some noise. And of course, if you try to tell people that you weren't really asleep, that's just making excuses, right?

The memory issues were brushed aside too. It was just sometimer's or normal. I would be in the middle of a story, and suddenly the last five minutes or half hour would be gone, and I had to adapt and not give into the spike of panic that occurred when I was one place and suddenly another. Or I would lose information that I should be able to lose: password when I only have one; Alex's birthday; my youngest daughter's name; my middle name; my age; my medication. Or I would be in the middle of doing something and some other thought would pop in my head and I would go to take care of it, only to be interrupted with another thought, and soon I have half a dozen tasks half-started and none finished. But that's something that everyone goes through--why do I feel that it is so insurmountable?

So I say that I can't do something, and it makes people frustrated. How dare I give up? I'm supposed to be invincible! I should keep trying! There's always a way! Just try harder! Asking for help is all that I need to do. But when I ask for help, I get a "yeah, yeah. I'll do it" and then a nothing. Or I get an excuse as to why it couldn't be done. It all comes down to the same thing: I have to do it, or it doesn't get done. Then I get chided for acting like that is the only way things could work. How am I supposed to act?

Daddy says that I just need to plan things, but in order to plan anything, I need help and input. I need to know what I will be working with. I need to know that when I ask for help, that I will get it. I need consistency from the people in my life, rather than them bailing when things get tough. I need to not be confused.

And how can I not be? When he tells me that he's going to stand up for our rights, and then concedes them for an amount of money that doesn't solve any problems? When he says that he's tired of fighting with three people and decides that only one of them is worth his time then turns around and says that he still loves me? When he gives me his collar because he doesn't want it anymore, but says that's not him saying that there's no chance of us ever getting together again, when that's clearly what he said with his actions? Then he touches my arm, just a glancing graze, a trailing of his fingertips, as if I'm precious but still he doesn't want anything to do with me outside of contact that I initiate--that I force upon him or nag him for--something that I don't like to do because I don't like being rejected which inevitably happens if people don't actually want me? Then when I mention why I'm having issues trusting him or his allies--Why does it always have to be about you?--I get called selfish or paranoid or delusional and why don't I just trust him?

How can I trust him when he's not consistent? When I ask him to do things and I always get a "I'm busy" or "I'm trying" or "maybe later" or "oh, yeah, we should do that" with no actual plan of follow through. I wanted him to be dominant, yes, but there's so much more to that than simply issuing orders that don't make sense and then expecting to be blindly followed. I have trust issues; I can't blindly follow orders that don't make sense. But he doesn't want to explain, because my asking questions is just creating problems, and he doesn't want to be consistent, because that isn't what he wants to do.

Maybe I am selfish. Even now, when I know that he doesn't want me--plans for everyone except me; wants to see the girls, but no plans to see me--I can't seem to get it through my head not to hope to hear the lie again--I love you--and to just give up on the fantasy of a life with him. I want him, even though I can't have him. He was my best friend for over half my life. There was not a single thing that I couldn't talk to him about; he knows things about my life that I have never told anyone else. For the longest time, I began to believe that I was wrong about my paradigm--everyone leaves--and that he was telling the truth when he promised me forever--I have always loved you and I always will--and maybe, just maybe, Mother was wrong about me--"Who could ever love you?" "You're worthless. You will never be anything." "Nobody reads anymore."--Maybe I could do things and they'll turn out.

Alex suggest that I find my value within myself, rather in what I can do for others. I can recognize the soundness of that suggestion. Daddy thinks that it is a good idea, too. But that doesn't mean that I know how to go about doing that. I know that it will have to be about my writing, as that is the only thing that I can control and that benefits me first and foremost. I have an idea of how to make money doing it, as I found a freelancer site that connects those with jobs with those who will work, but I am still terrified that it won't pan out or that my concentration issues will interfere with me actually being able to do the jobs. Normally, Alex would be my cheerleader, but now he refuses to talk to me unless I naggingly get a hold him.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

But it's all up to me, isn't it? Really, I have to be self-sufficient. In the end, it is only myself that I can count on. All I can control is myself. I can't make him love me or want me. I can't make it to where he can't leave. I can't make people like me because if I try to change for them, it's not a real change, only the adoption of a mask. I can only be me.

That's all I can be.

I am Margret Alexandria Silverwolf. I am Shakbatina Iskitini. I am the wild cat who cannot be tamed, the spirit who cannot be broken. I am the center of the Wheel, and the reason that it turns. I am the Storyteller. I am a writer, and writers write. I am the Seeker, and that which is sought. I am the Weaver, and that which is woven. I am the artist and the paint. I am within and without. I am the Witch and the magic; the Catalyst and the energy. I am Magi. I am me.

And that is all that I can be.