It's hard to realize that the person who had been my best friend for about half my life doesn't want me any more. I had trust issues before this, and now the one touchstone that I had broke a vital promise. I can't just bounce back from that, and everyone seems to be expecting me to, and they're blaming me. I've lost count of how many times I've been told that it was obvious that this was coming. That I should have known better than to trust him after he had already walked away once rather than deal with the situation at hand.
Maybe I have been blindly holding onto my fantasy misconception that when he promised forever that he meant it, but I still maintain that I never gave him an ultimatum. I wasn't the one who said they were going to leave if I didn't get my way. I was all for staying together as a family for as long as possible. But he didn't want that--that was too stressful for him. That he then planned to take my children from me--not to keep them for himself, but to give to a woman who was one of the reasons that we made the rules concerning spiritual teachings that we did and getting away from was one of the perks of moving out of state--how can I not be upset about that? That said woman disappeared with the girls (and without permission) during a very stressful situation and then couldn't be found for hours--why is my distrust considered unusual?
Though I would like to point out that my fear of being judged not worthy of being chosen turned out to be correct. In the end, when she laid down that it was her or me, he chose her. All of Robin's talk about how if he walked out on the girls, she would disown him also seems to just that...not that I expected any different from her. She's been a hypocrite from the start in just about everything she undertakes.
I'm not looking forward to my therapy appointment. Tammy is very Abrahamic in her views on polyamory, and I'm afraid that all my talk about how it can work out, just taking more effort, will be tossed back in my face. The thing is, yes, polyamory can work...if all parties attempt to make it work. It's clear now that Luna never intended for it to work. She didn't like me and any attempt to get to know her was rebuff and the failure blamed on me. I lost count of how many times Alex told me that I had to change to appease her. That should have been a clue, it really should have been--if I was still the primary relationship, why was I being told to change everything about me and lie about certain facts of nature? Because that's what would make Luna happy--Luna who leaves when things get to leave when things get tough.
Alex was upset when I said no more D/s stuff, but that shouldn't have mattered as we didn't really do anything with it anyway. It was just something that he threw back at me whenever I pointed out his failures in logic about problems. He wanted me to trust him blindly when he refused to take responsibility for the family--and how dare I step on his toes by assuming that since he and Luna didn't want to do anything, that I had to figure out a way to work while disabled and going to school? He said that he didn't want the blind "He's Master/I'm slave; His Will only matters" but anything else was a failure on my part. I want him to step up and take care of me instead of me taking care of him. I wanted rules and consequences. I wanted structure and stability because I felt myself beginning to drift apart and I was scared. But in his mind, without the D/s there was no point to a relationship at all--because my saying I didn't trust him after he tried to steal my children then abandon them had hurt Luna.
I hadn't minded her having the cookie. I knew that the cookie was a good thing, for both of them. I just wanted the cookie too. I still do want the cookie.
But the cookie doesn't want me.
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