It's hard to realize that the person who had been my best friend for about half my life doesn't want me any more. I had trust issues before this, and now the one touchstone that I had broke a vital promise. I can't just bounce back from that, and everyone seems to be expecting me to, and they're blaming me. I've lost count of how many times I've been told that it was obvious that this was coming. That I should have known better than to trust him after he had already walked away once rather than deal with the situation at hand.
Maybe I have been blindly holding onto my fantasy misconception that when he promised forever that he meant it, but I still maintain that I never gave him an ultimatum. I wasn't the one who said they were going to leave if I didn't get my way. I was all for staying together as a family for as long as possible. But he didn't want that--that was too stressful for him. That he then planned to take my children from me--not to keep them for himself, but to give to a woman who was one of the reasons that we made the rules concerning spiritual teachings that we did and getting away from was one of the perks of moving out of state--how can I not be upset about that? That said woman disappeared with the girls (and without permission) during a very stressful situation and then couldn't be found for hours--why is my distrust considered unusual?
Though I would like to point out that my fear of being judged not worthy of being chosen turned out to be correct. In the end, when she laid down that it was her or me, he chose her. All of Robin's talk about how if he walked out on the girls, she would disown him also seems to just that...not that I expected any different from her. She's been a hypocrite from the start in just about everything she undertakes.
I'm not looking forward to my therapy appointment. Tammy is very Abrahamic in her views on polyamory, and I'm afraid that all my talk about how it can work out, just taking more effort, will be tossed back in my face. The thing is, yes, polyamory can work...if all parties attempt to make it work. It's clear now that Luna never intended for it to work. She didn't like me and any attempt to get to know her was rebuff and the failure blamed on me. I lost count of how many times Alex told me that I had to change to appease her. That should have been a clue, it really should have been--if I was still the primary relationship, why was I being told to change everything about me and lie about certain facts of nature? Because that's what would make Luna happy--Luna who leaves when things get to leave when things get tough.
Alex was upset when I said no more D/s stuff, but that shouldn't have mattered as we didn't really do anything with it anyway. It was just something that he threw back at me whenever I pointed out his failures in logic about problems. He wanted me to trust him blindly when he refused to take responsibility for the family--and how dare I step on his toes by assuming that since he and Luna didn't want to do anything, that I had to figure out a way to work while disabled and going to school? He said that he didn't want the blind "He's Master/I'm slave; His Will only matters" but anything else was a failure on my part. I want him to step up and take care of me instead of me taking care of him. I wanted rules and consequences. I wanted structure and stability because I felt myself beginning to drift apart and I was scared. But in his mind, without the D/s there was no point to a relationship at all--because my saying I didn't trust him after he tried to steal my children then abandon them had hurt Luna.
I hadn't minded her having the cookie. I knew that the cookie was a good thing, for both of them. I just wanted the cookie too. I still do want the cookie.
But the cookie doesn't want me.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Alone
I have been homeless for over a year now. For most of that, my little family has been split up. The girls and I were originally with my mother while Alex chased a job to another state. That's also where we picked up Luna. From the start, Luna was stand-offish with me, but then I wasn't as friendly as I've seen others being when meeting someone new. I'm socially awkward; I don't understand people, often missing cues that are clear to others, and I have trust issues. I also have bipolar disorder, type I, and it can make me difficult to get along with. People with BD often go through life flittering from one relationship to another, from one job to another, as the stress of dealing with the swings from high to low and back again take their toll on spouses and bosses.
As anyone who's been following the blog can tell, I've been slowly falling apart the last few years. I started having memory issues and concentration issues and I ended up putting on a lot of weight, which only increased the issues as my blood sugar went wacky. I stopped being able to work efficiently enough to hold onto my job as a data entry clerk for a governmental subcontractor. I filed for disability, but apparently I was not disabled enough to get immediate approval, as I am now on my second appeal.
Unemployment ran out May of 2013, and June saw the break up of my family to keep us off the streets. Alex went to Kentucky to work for their state prison, but that last only a few days before they terminated him. He got a temporary job out there at Walmart, but couldn't make enough to get a place set up for the girls and I to join him. He had wanted us to come out anyway, but I dissented, pointing out that the girls needed more stability than was available out there. This upset Luna who was of the firm opinion that the situation was fine. She took insult to my calling the situation unstable and especially, calling her insistence otherwise lying, even though that was what it was.
When Walmart fired Alex, and his grandmother was given an expiration date, Alex decided to come home to Missouri and see what he could drum up here. He brought Luna with him at the last minute. His mother refused to allow Luna to stay at her place, so Luna went to the Farm to stay with friends of Alex while Alex stayed with his mother to look for a job. After only a few weeks, he gave up on that as well as being close by the girls and I to move out to the Farm with Luna--because Luna needed him more as I was the stable one.
The girls and I were not welcomed out at the Farm and Alex couldn't come into town to see us due to needing to be available of Jeanette's needs. When my mother kicked me out, Alex decided that spending time with Luna at the mall as more important than helping save our few belongings from the rubbish bin. I moved in with his mother, and hoped that it would be only temporary. I was waiting to hear back from the judge's decision on my first appeal, and the backpay should be enough to buy a place of our own and stop all this moving--we'd have an income, finally.
At the insistence of my father, I enrolled in the local community college. Even as I was struggling to find my feet in the new demand for my time, Robin (Alex's mother) decided that it was too much for her to deal with as I was no longer available to take care of her house, and kicked me and the girls out. Having nowhere else to go, Luna managed to convince Jeanette to allow us to come out to the Farm to stay.
We hadn't even been there a month before Jeanette started manuvering to get us out. It was a hard battle, but we could have won it, as Jeanette had no legal authority to evict us and her efforts to intimidate us into moving would have lead to a profitable legal battle. It would have been uncomfortable for the period of time we had to put up with it, but we would have been together and together, I felt, we could face anything. There was so much to gain by standing our ground and not allowing Jeanette to trample our rights to fair housing and legal protections.
Unfortunately, Luna got scared and bought into the lies told by people working for Jeanette. It seems so obvious to me that those people weren't friends, despite their claims, but I guess Luna refused to see it. They only came up to further Jeanette's cause of forcing us to move, but they claimed "it was in our best interests" and pretended to be thinking of us rather than a woman bitter that she couldn't control the situation like she wanted. Like I said, it's obvious to me, but Luna and Alex wanted to believe the line of bull. I was labeled as "unreasonable" and "paranoid"--even "delusional".
Alex wanted to take the girls with him. It broke my heart when he said that. My self-worth is determined by how I can help others, what I can do for them. My deterioting mental and physical health has seen me unable to be of use. I can't work to provide for my mate and cubs; I am not disabled enough to get benefits to do so either. Some days, the only reason that I can pull myself from bed to even halfway function is those girls. This is something that I have told Alex several times. Those girls are my life, literally. And he wanted to take them from me and keep them in a place where I was not welcomed. He had made plans for him, Luna, and the girls....but none for me. I was on my own. Without the girls, I couldn't go back to my mother's--she flat out says that she only tolerates me for the girls. (I haven't been here a full week and already she's making "jokes" about kicking me out and keeping the girls.) I could go to a shelter, but I would have no way of knowing if they would have beds that day or not, and during the day, I wouldn't have a place to be. It was clear as a picture before me: I would never see the girls again after that.
If I wasn't going to be able to be a part of the girls' life anymore, I could at least make my absence count. I had accrued enough work credits to have survivor benefits for my dependents. All I had to do was die, and my girls would have a way of having a stable home. I've know this for a while, and as things got worse, it became more clear that we were running out of options. But I'm a coward and I'm selfish. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted to see them grow up. I wanted to be there with them as they cried over their first heartbreak or found joy in another's promise of forever. I wanted to watch them become the women in the visions that I've seen. But if I couldn't, wouldn't it be better to provide for them?
Then Dad told me what Alex had planned. He was going to take the girls, yes, but then he was going to leave them at his mother's while he went into a shelter or to Michigan with Luna (who was saying that it would be a new start). It was bad enough that he was taking them, knowing that I depended on them like I did, but to then abandon them to his mother? All the heartbreak that I was feeling turned to anger. These cubs that I was willing to die for were not going to be given away to a woman who couldn't see her own hypocrisy and zeolancy. This woman who was one of the reasons that we had made the rule of no religious activities without one of us present due to her fundamental Wicca beliefs. She had no concept for the fine details of metaphysics and creativity was also beyond her keen. And this was the woman he wanted to leaving my children in the sole care of while he escaped the day-to-day responsibility of them. Unacceptable, as any resort.
He said that he was done dealing with me. I obviously didn't trust him and his judgment of anything. I was trying, but I couldn't. I didn't understand why he thought that was acceptable, and why he would make a decision to remove me from the picture when he still claims to love me. And I'm scared because my greatest fear has always been him leaving and now it seems as if he is--and it's because of me. And the obsession just keeps circling and tightening like a noose about my neck. This is my fault. I was too much to handle and not enough to be worth the struggle. I feel like screaming. I feel like I"m breaking. He said that it's a break, but it feels like forever and I just want his attention. I want to curl up in his aura and be protected, but I can't, because he wants nothing to do with me and I keep finding reasons to call him because I miss the sound of his voice and I just want to hear the lie one more time--"I love you."--because I want to believe that I'm worthy of those words. I want, oh how I want. He said it was all a misunderstanding--he didn't know how literal I meant the phrase that I live for the girls. He said that I needed to find value within myself--which is true, I can see that, but I don't know how to do that. He said that he was going to stand by his promise of putting our family first...then he turned around and decided that breaking us up for $1000 dollars was better than keeping us together, all because Luna was scared. Luna put out an ultimatum of the family breaking up or she was leaving for Michigan, and suddenly we couldn't stay together. But I'm just being unreasonable to point out that he didn't chose me when given the choice, and he says that I forced him to choose. But it wasn't me who demanded the split. And it's not me who he chose to fight for.
I thought that I had beaten the odds. I came from a broken home with a broken mind. We were a teenage romance. There was no way that it would work, but I had fooled myself into believing that nothing could break us up. He had promised me that he would always love me, and I had believed him. It never occurred to me to think that as I lost control of myself, and depended upon him to hold me together, that he would get tired of it and leave.
I just needed someone who would take care of me, that would keep me from falling apart further or who could take me apart and put me back together. I had asked Alex, and he had said yes, but then did nothing. I kept asking for the cookie too, but apparently that wasn't a clear enough request. I didn't have Luna's easy confidence to ask for a session every few days, not when he couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me. I was too new and didn't know exactly what I wanted--I wanted to explore, but he didn't want to explore with me any more. He had Luna, who knew what she was doing and who hated me. Luna liked Pokemon and My Little Pony, just like him. Luna didn't pressure him to look for work. Luna didn't ask for his attention--she didn't have to, as he wanted to spend time with her. Luna didn't argue with him, or ask him to explain simple concepts that everyone except me understand. How can I compete with that?
Everybody leaves. I'm not enough to keep people long term. My own mother couldn't even love me. Why did I think he would be any different? I had agreed to the open relationship status because I thought that doing so would keep him from leaving completely when he got bored with me. Then when he brought Luna home, I was excited. I could have a friend who shared my interest in Alex. It didn't occur to me that she would edge me out and take my place. It didn't occur to me but that's what it feels like happened.
And I'm alone, just like Duncan always said I would be without him, just like Regis had proclaimed I would be since I was so stubborn and willful, just like my mother said I would be because who could possibly want someone as ugly as me?
As anyone who's been following the blog can tell, I've been slowly falling apart the last few years. I started having memory issues and concentration issues and I ended up putting on a lot of weight, which only increased the issues as my blood sugar went wacky. I stopped being able to work efficiently enough to hold onto my job as a data entry clerk for a governmental subcontractor. I filed for disability, but apparently I was not disabled enough to get immediate approval, as I am now on my second appeal.
Unemployment ran out May of 2013, and June saw the break up of my family to keep us off the streets. Alex went to Kentucky to work for their state prison, but that last only a few days before they terminated him. He got a temporary job out there at Walmart, but couldn't make enough to get a place set up for the girls and I to join him. He had wanted us to come out anyway, but I dissented, pointing out that the girls needed more stability than was available out there. This upset Luna who was of the firm opinion that the situation was fine. She took insult to my calling the situation unstable and especially, calling her insistence otherwise lying, even though that was what it was.
When Walmart fired Alex, and his grandmother was given an expiration date, Alex decided to come home to Missouri and see what he could drum up here. He brought Luna with him at the last minute. His mother refused to allow Luna to stay at her place, so Luna went to the Farm to stay with friends of Alex while Alex stayed with his mother to look for a job. After only a few weeks, he gave up on that as well as being close by the girls and I to move out to the Farm with Luna--because Luna needed him more as I was the stable one.
The girls and I were not welcomed out at the Farm and Alex couldn't come into town to see us due to needing to be available of Jeanette's needs. When my mother kicked me out, Alex decided that spending time with Luna at the mall as more important than helping save our few belongings from the rubbish bin. I moved in with his mother, and hoped that it would be only temporary. I was waiting to hear back from the judge's decision on my first appeal, and the backpay should be enough to buy a place of our own and stop all this moving--we'd have an income, finally.
At the insistence of my father, I enrolled in the local community college. Even as I was struggling to find my feet in the new demand for my time, Robin (Alex's mother) decided that it was too much for her to deal with as I was no longer available to take care of her house, and kicked me and the girls out. Having nowhere else to go, Luna managed to convince Jeanette to allow us to come out to the Farm to stay.
We hadn't even been there a month before Jeanette started manuvering to get us out. It was a hard battle, but we could have won it, as Jeanette had no legal authority to evict us and her efforts to intimidate us into moving would have lead to a profitable legal battle. It would have been uncomfortable for the period of time we had to put up with it, but we would have been together and together, I felt, we could face anything. There was so much to gain by standing our ground and not allowing Jeanette to trample our rights to fair housing and legal protections.
Unfortunately, Luna got scared and bought into the lies told by people working for Jeanette. It seems so obvious to me that those people weren't friends, despite their claims, but I guess Luna refused to see it. They only came up to further Jeanette's cause of forcing us to move, but they claimed "it was in our best interests" and pretended to be thinking of us rather than a woman bitter that she couldn't control the situation like she wanted. Like I said, it's obvious to me, but Luna and Alex wanted to believe the line of bull. I was labeled as "unreasonable" and "paranoid"--even "delusional".
Alex wanted to take the girls with him. It broke my heart when he said that. My self-worth is determined by how I can help others, what I can do for them. My deterioting mental and physical health has seen me unable to be of use. I can't work to provide for my mate and cubs; I am not disabled enough to get benefits to do so either. Some days, the only reason that I can pull myself from bed to even halfway function is those girls. This is something that I have told Alex several times. Those girls are my life, literally. And he wanted to take them from me and keep them in a place where I was not welcomed. He had made plans for him, Luna, and the girls....but none for me. I was on my own. Without the girls, I couldn't go back to my mother's--she flat out says that she only tolerates me for the girls. (I haven't been here a full week and already she's making "jokes" about kicking me out and keeping the girls.) I could go to a shelter, but I would have no way of knowing if they would have beds that day or not, and during the day, I wouldn't have a place to be. It was clear as a picture before me: I would never see the girls again after that.
If I wasn't going to be able to be a part of the girls' life anymore, I could at least make my absence count. I had accrued enough work credits to have survivor benefits for my dependents. All I had to do was die, and my girls would have a way of having a stable home. I've know this for a while, and as things got worse, it became more clear that we were running out of options. But I'm a coward and I'm selfish. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted to see them grow up. I wanted to be there with them as they cried over their first heartbreak or found joy in another's promise of forever. I wanted to watch them become the women in the visions that I've seen. But if I couldn't, wouldn't it be better to provide for them?
Then Dad told me what Alex had planned. He was going to take the girls, yes, but then he was going to leave them at his mother's while he went into a shelter or to Michigan with Luna (who was saying that it would be a new start). It was bad enough that he was taking them, knowing that I depended on them like I did, but to then abandon them to his mother? All the heartbreak that I was feeling turned to anger. These cubs that I was willing to die for were not going to be given away to a woman who couldn't see her own hypocrisy and zeolancy. This woman who was one of the reasons that we had made the rule of no religious activities without one of us present due to her fundamental Wicca beliefs. She had no concept for the fine details of metaphysics and creativity was also beyond her keen. And this was the woman he wanted to leaving my children in the sole care of while he escaped the day-to-day responsibility of them. Unacceptable, as any resort.
He said that he was done dealing with me. I obviously didn't trust him and his judgment of anything. I was trying, but I couldn't. I didn't understand why he thought that was acceptable, and why he would make a decision to remove me from the picture when he still claims to love me. And I'm scared because my greatest fear has always been him leaving and now it seems as if he is--and it's because of me. And the obsession just keeps circling and tightening like a noose about my neck. This is my fault. I was too much to handle and not enough to be worth the struggle. I feel like screaming. I feel like I"m breaking. He said that it's a break, but it feels like forever and I just want his attention. I want to curl up in his aura and be protected, but I can't, because he wants nothing to do with me and I keep finding reasons to call him because I miss the sound of his voice and I just want to hear the lie one more time--"I love you."--because I want to believe that I'm worthy of those words. I want, oh how I want. He said it was all a misunderstanding--he didn't know how literal I meant the phrase that I live for the girls. He said that I needed to find value within myself--which is true, I can see that, but I don't know how to do that. He said that he was going to stand by his promise of putting our family first...then he turned around and decided that breaking us up for $1000 dollars was better than keeping us together, all because Luna was scared. Luna put out an ultimatum of the family breaking up or she was leaving for Michigan, and suddenly we couldn't stay together. But I'm just being unreasonable to point out that he didn't chose me when given the choice, and he says that I forced him to choose. But it wasn't me who demanded the split. And it's not me who he chose to fight for.
I thought that I had beaten the odds. I came from a broken home with a broken mind. We were a teenage romance. There was no way that it would work, but I had fooled myself into believing that nothing could break us up. He had promised me that he would always love me, and I had believed him. It never occurred to me to think that as I lost control of myself, and depended upon him to hold me together, that he would get tired of it and leave.
I just needed someone who would take care of me, that would keep me from falling apart further or who could take me apart and put me back together. I had asked Alex, and he had said yes, but then did nothing. I kept asking for the cookie too, but apparently that wasn't a clear enough request. I didn't have Luna's easy confidence to ask for a session every few days, not when he couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me. I was too new and didn't know exactly what I wanted--I wanted to explore, but he didn't want to explore with me any more. He had Luna, who knew what she was doing and who hated me. Luna liked Pokemon and My Little Pony, just like him. Luna didn't pressure him to look for work. Luna didn't ask for his attention--she didn't have to, as he wanted to spend time with her. Luna didn't argue with him, or ask him to explain simple concepts that everyone except me understand. How can I compete with that?
Everybody leaves. I'm not enough to keep people long term. My own mother couldn't even love me. Why did I think he would be any different? I had agreed to the open relationship status because I thought that doing so would keep him from leaving completely when he got bored with me. Then when he brought Luna home, I was excited. I could have a friend who shared my interest in Alex. It didn't occur to me that she would edge me out and take my place. It didn't occur to me but that's what it feels like happened.
And I'm alone, just like Duncan always said I would be without him, just like Regis had proclaimed I would be since I was so stubborn and willful, just like my mother said I would be because who could possibly want someone as ugly as me?
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