I'm sure that everyone has heard of Leelah
Joshua Alcorn by now. You may have even read her suicide note found on her Tumblr page (
here if you still haven't). She talks about the isolation that she felt, both due to her parents' actions and due to society's stigmatization of transgenders in general, and how that led her to the mental place where she couldn't see it ever getting better, even if she somehow managed the seemingly-impossible goal of transitioning. She was alone and all she could see in the future was more loneliness and loathing.
I understand how she felt. Being isolated because of something that you can't help hurts like nothing else. When this rejection of everything that you are comes from those who should love you most, it's even worse. You are left with a bitter taste in your mouth from it--the kind that lingers even when you've drunk something that normally cuts flavors. If your own mother can't love you, who possibly could? Or worse: your mother professes to love you and wants to help, but that help is contingent upon you accepting that you are wrong about something that is fundamentally you--your Cardinal Trait or Central Traits, to use the psychological terms.
To make it worse, when you do reach out to others, your concerns are met with derision ("You just need to accept God's Will."), condescendingly brushed aside ("Oh, everyone goes through
that at one point or another."), or empty reassurances ("It gets better.")
"It gets better.""How?" you beg, hoping for some guidance out of the Darkness, because you know that you simply can't continue like this. The darkness weighs on you too heavily--you can't breathe for the weight of it.
"You just need to decide to be happy." or "You need to be grateful for what you have before God/dess/Universe will give you more."
... oh, so this is
my fault. I'm the one making me unhappy. If I could just
be different, maybe I wouldn't be here in the Hole.
"There is no hole."
But there
is! I'm trapped in it.
"You can't be trapped because there is no hole. It's just in your head. Just be happy."
How?!
"Doesn't matter. Just do it. You'll feel better."
That is usually when life seems its bleakest because you realize that you're on your own--there's no pill that will help you be like everyone else who laughs and smiles and can get things done in a consistent manner. No one's going hold your hand and pull you out of the pit. To them, there is no pit to climb out of, no wall that needs surpassed...and your acting like there is one is just a sign of you being selfish, lazy, and/or self-centered.
You should just try harder.
Those words are perhaps some of the most cruel that will be hurled at a depressed person. Most people don't realize the supreme effort it takes just to get out of bed for short periods of time when you're depressed. Some of the most common anti-depressants pump your body with Serotonin...which is also a chief chemical in the cocktail for sleeping. So you're tired all the time, in addition to not wanting to do anything. Even if you have something that you absolutely
have to do, like work or school, it's hard to get through it, and you aren't performing at peak proficiency.
Have you ever been so tired that you're dizzy? Every step is like the ground is swaying under your feet. Your hands shake; your eyes itch; and your stomach seems to be eating itself, so you're nauseous on top of it all. You aren't well, but you don't look sick, just tired. You know what most people say about that? Beyond the jokes about "partying hard", there's also the oh-so-helpful admonitions to sleep more or go to bed "early". (
Early is a term that is much debated because, heavens forbid, you go to bed in the afternoon, but even eight o'clock at night is too late to get the length of sleep that is required to be up at six in the morning.) Never mind the poor quality sleep that you get with frequent waking or even nightmares.
So you drag yourself to wherever it is that you need to be, and you try as hard as you can to not worry your friends/co-workers/family because you don't want to be called selfish or wallowing or whatever word is the favorite of the week. You now have a front seat watching as everyone moves on with their lives as if you weren't stuck in one place. It looks so easy. '
Why is it so easy for them, but not for me?' you ask yourself, filled with envy for their happiness, and their laughter. If only you could be like them...if only you weren't
choosing to be depressed.
BUT!
It gets better.
