I feel very lonely right now. I'll be spending most of Yule by myself for the first time since Alex and I became friends. The girls are over at Laura's for their visit with Alex and Luna.
This was supposed to be our first Yule together, as a pack. But circumstances aren't allowing for that. Instead of being together, we are in separate places where the other is not allowed or welcomed. There's no solid plan for getting together under the same roof, despite there being a lot of pressure to do so. Even if there was a plan, it doesn't seem to include me.
All my life I have been told about how I would end up alone. If not by doctors and teachers who tell me about how difficult dealing with a bipolar's mood swings, then by my mother questioning what I had to offer anyone for any type of relationship. For as long as I can remember, everyone that I held dear had either left or betrayed me. This has left me with trust issues. I'm constantly braced for that blow. I'm expecting it.
He said that he wouldn't leave. He promised. But everyone else has. Who would want to be around me forever anyway? I'm quite aware of my flaws and deficiencies. I have very little to offer as a companion. But he said that he would be there, first as a friend, and then as a partner.
I had three rules for my relationships. Rule one is never strike me in anger. Rule two is don't cheat on me (poly is different). Rule three is never issue an ultimatum. I don't think that they are fair, and I know that I would never win one if I issue one. I kept silent on several things that I have been told that I should not have. I didn't push when most people would have. Thus I have put up with a lot of criticism about my relationship with Alex and the situation that our pack is in from my family.
In the end, it appears not to have mattered. The ultimatum ended up being issued, just not by me. ...and the results were as I had always known they would be, as I had braced for. I was not the one chosen.
Later, he says that doesn't want to see me dead and that he still loves me. He says that he doesn't want to toss away the last twelve years and all that we have built. He says that he still wants me, and that this separation is only temporary. He has a plan, only I'm not included in the circle that it's been told to, and I'm not allowed to participate in the planning. He is not eager to try to spend time with me--though the opposite was true when he was away from Luna. He keeps saying the phrase "if this is as far as we can go together, then that's it" in a tone like it doesn't matter either way to him. He acts like this is all my problem. He can't help me, even though he can help Luna--in fact, he sacrificed looking for a job in order to be there for her.
Mother says that he's useless, and hates him, but she always has hated him. Not only was he a man, but he loved me--therefore his opinions were clearly flawed.
Daddy says that he only wants to see that Alex has my back at the end of the day, and he's not seeing that from him. He looks at my sister and my cousin who have been fortunate to be able to go through jobs like tissues at a funeral. Getting a job is just a matter of hard work and attitude, he says. If Alex can't get a job, he must be lacking these things. Never mind the situations being different. It must be personality. This viewpoint is also called fundamental attribution bias. One assumes the reason for something is a matter of personality instead of allowing for situational differences such as having a GED rather than a diploma, essentially a blank resume, and a large gap in that due to taking on a nontraditional parental role which would have been excusable if Alex had been female. Dad thinks it's so simple and Alex must just want a high paying job where he does nothing just handed to him, which isn't true. Wanting a job where you can support your family isn't unreasonable.
Dad also thinks that I should apply for benefits in my own right, because he thinks that I would get so much more. He thinks that there's cash available, and a housing allowance, and utility assistance. Apparently, Grandpa has run the numbers, so it must be true. I did a lot of research myself, and I came up with nothing. There's food stamps, which would go down if I took Alex off of them. There's TANF, which I'm not eligible for as it's a work program, and I can't work. There's MC+, which the girls have, and well, I do too, but mine only covers reproductive health, because I don't have an approved disability case. I don't qualify for Section 8, as it is administered by Housing Authority of Independence, and I'm not an acceptable tenet to them as they have kicked me out before. I also don't qualify for emergency placement on the list which is often five years long or more due to the fact that while I am homeless, I do not reside in a shelter, seeing as how going into one means that I either call Alex an abuser or I give the girls up to foster care. All my research couldn't turn up a program that would pay for utilities, or force landlords to. But my pointing out these flaws is me just choosing to fail, which is apparently something that he doesn't know how to do.
Everything that I'm reading says that being depressed is just a state of mind and as soon as you decide to not be depressed any more, it lifts. I don't want to be depressed any more, but how do I get out of the pit? Everything I've read says just to not be in the pit any longer. I want to know how. They list things like going for long walks or adhering to a strict schedule or eating a nutritious diet or getting enough sleep, all of which I can't do. I can't go for walks because of the overwhelming feeling that doing that alone is not safe which is powerful enough to make me sick to my stomach and dizzy. I can't force myself to sleep on schedule, which means that I may not be able to function during the day, making adhering to a schedule impossible. I'm too poor to buy much in the way of food, so planning balanced means is laughable at best. The funds just aren't there to do so.
I'm also supposed to adhere to my meds, but I forget to take them, and lately, I really feel like there's no point. I take the pills to be able to function for my family, but even with them, I failed my family. I lost the job despite knowing that everything was counting on me. I let things slide with Alex when I shouldn't have. I couldn't hold back and let the lies slide with Luna, or turn a blind eye to the false friend she trusted, and thus pushed her to the point that she threw down the ultimatum to Alex. I can't provide for my cubs, either by working or by getting disability. I can't stay on top of chores like I know that I need to. I lose track of days, some times spending several of them laying in bed staring at the ceiling trying to motivate myself to do something, all the while knowing that if I were to just die, then there would be an income to provide the girls a home--if only I could be certain that it would be Alex they would go to, instead of my mother or Alex's mother or my sister PJ. But I don't want to miss seeing them grow up--all those milestones that my mother never celebrated and through no fault of his own, Daddy wasn't really around to do so. It truly appears as if Luna is right about me and I'm selfish, too selfish to be a part of my pack, since I'm not willing to do what is necessary to help them.
And everyone is right. The situation is all my fault. If I were stronger, this wouldn't be a problem. After all, there are people who can handle being bipolar, a parent, an employee, and a student. They juggle everything, so I should be able to as well. And I really don't have any business putting school above housework. Why do I really think my problems are so unique and overwhelming? I am aware that I lack the pro-social behaviors that most people have. Trying to be nice isn't good enough. I need to actually be nice and put others before myself. I should know better than to try to argue with anyone. It just makes them angry, and serves no purpose but to drive away people. No one truly cares about what's true, only what they want to believe.
I deserve to be alone on Yule.
