Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran
Dear Mother,
Did your heart ever stirred with love for me? Or have I always been nothing but a burden to you? A method of escaping one prison while being held captive by other means?
You speak of your mother, and how she never cared. She ignored you except to tear you down or order you about. You are filled with rage about it, so much rage. You hate that she edits the past to fit what makes her look best. You speak with derision of her incessant need to make everything about herself.
Can't you see that everything you hate about her, you are?
You didn't want me. I know because you have told me so on many occasions. You have said that I ruined your social life, your love life, and your figure. When you started smoking, it was my fault as well. I drove you to it, you said. You never cuddled with me or hugged me. The easy affection that the girls and I share is something that you and I never had.
You deride every decision I have ever made. You don't want me to take my meds because you feel that I shouldn't need them. You don't think I should be with Alex despite the fact I have been with him for twelve years and he has been my sole source of support for most of that. You don't think I should work on my writing because "no one reads any more".
You call me names, even if my girls are there and listening. You threaten to turn us out on the streets or destroy our stuff--the only belongings that we have. You threaten to kill our cat or force us to get rid of him. You criticize the girls to teach them body shame and self hatred.
Is it any wonder that Lilium has stopped eating unless I beg her? She wants to take back the control that she's lost in this. She's scared and doesn't know how to express it. She needs stability. Her world is in chaos. I understand how she feels, but I can't give her what she needs now.
There was once a point when I would give anything for you to love me, for you to be proud of me. There may be always a part of me that wonders what was so horrifically wrong with me that my own mother didn't want me. But I accept that I can't live in that limbo. I need to let it go for my own piece of mind and happiness.
Maybe someday that won't hurt.
